Power Rangers: The Ultimate Aspiration

I did some soul searching tonight and realized that I have not felt like myself lately because I have been neglecting something very near and dear to my heart: my dream of becoming a Power Ranger Super Megaforce.  I’ve been trying to talk myself out of it for awhile now, but then I watched the first episode of the most recent season and they have a pirate ship!!! A freakn’ PIRATE SHIP!!! You can’t convince me that life will ever be better than this. I have fallen in love and know with all my heart that this is my destiny. I am currently behind the curve and in desperate need to catch up, but I am convinced that I can catch up! I have started taking notes on some items that I need to work on. I have included them below for those of you that have the same dreams and aspirations as myself. Don’t worry! I’ve got your back… Yo!

1. If you are of the female persuasion your only clothing options are pink or yellow. If you are male, you can choose any color that is not pink or yellow. Once you have chosen a color you will not be permitted to change it, so make sure you’re committed. This is very important as you must have your specified color on at all times. If you are caught without the identifying marker, you may be kicked off the team or killed. I’m not exactly sure which punishment it is, but they’re equally horrible.
2. Side note: Women, I know that you’re worried about showing too much of your form while you are in your fighting gear. Your fears are justified, but someone already thought of that. You’ll have a skirt over your pants. It’ll make fighting a little bit more uncomfortable, but being able to wear a skirt more than makes up for the inconvenience. Crisis averted!
3. Men must be able to strike a pose and brood on command. I would suggest practicing in a mirror before trying it in public. A brooding session could break out at any moment. You must be vigilant!
4. Women must be able to create a positive and uplifting atmosphere on and off the front line. How else will good triumph over evil? Use sentiments like, “putting everything back together shows the enemy that we won’t give up” and “they can never win because they will never have our strength of character!”
5. Work on your witty banter. This is an absolute must! You have to be able to impress your opponent on the battlefield with the power of your words. Choose your words carefully though. The right words will be able to dazzle your foe in such a way that he will stop fighting to jot down any pointers you may have. For example you can use something like like the following in response to your foe, “No price is too steep when protecting planet earth! We’re ready to give it everything we’ve got!” (That’s one of my favorites!)
6. Work on your ninja speak. Use words like “hiyah” and “huit huit YAH!”  and “hah diyah!” Otherwise, your karate skills are basically useless.
7. It is proper protocol to announce your intentions when fighting. It’s considered incredibly rude not to do so.
8. Before announcing your intentions to your foe, you are required to let them know what color you wear. They may not know who’s speaking to them since you have a helmet on and can’t see your lips move.
9. No one can know that you are a Power Ranger. It will ruin everything! The aliens will be able to find you while you are in class, and the entire world will be taken over because you have a big mouth.

That’s it for right now, but I will continue to take notes. In the meantime, I have written a poem.

An Ode to The Power Rangers

Oh, how mighty and strong

Courageous and brave

Witty and charming

For you will always save

us from aliens that attack

Every single freakn’ day

Bird Ninjas!

I am terrified of any animal/critter that can fly excluding fireflies, house flies and ladybugs. Yes. I am even terrified of butterflies because of their awful association with moths, and if you’re not afraid of moths than you’re a big fat liar pants. I am especially wary of birds because they will eat your face off if  your not careful! I shouldn’t even have to say this because it should be common knowledge by now. Have you met someone that wasn’t careful around birds? No! You haven’t because they’re hiding in shame with the other faceless people that weren’t on their guard when they should’ve been. Those sly devils…

So! I was sitting on my bed reading a book when I heard a bird chirp. My first reaction was to hunch down in my bed and stealthy look at the ceiling because, obviously, a bird had somehow made it into my bedroom without me noticing it all day. It had been hiding silently, as ninjas are prone to do, creeping slowly closer and closer. Then at the pre-approved time of 9:30 pm it belted out its war cry before it was to strike me dead! Upon not seeing a bird flying around the ceiling I slowly sat up straighter in order to see the floor where the sound came from. The entire time I searched for the bird in black I went through all the different ways I could survive this inevitable attack; all of which include me hiding and praying for God to save me. And then!!! I saw my phone innocently lying there softly announcing that I had a text message…

Until next time bird ninja! I will be waiting for you…

Winning. It’s fun!

7 things you need to know about Brittany:

1: I love monkeys! They are fabulous!

2: I love winning like the cookie monster loves making little children cry with treats that they’ll never be allowed to eat. Whether it’s a dance off, a wicked game of Boggle, or fighting off ninja assassins in a dark alley that always turns up at the most inopportune times. I’m pretty good at dancing except for tap, I don’t like words, and I always kick the assassin’s buttockses because I’m a not-so-secret-anymore ninja master.

3: I basically love pretty much all of the things, so I have to be careful what I spend my time on. I have a PS2 (yes, I am very proud of that and xbox sucks) that I no longer play because I have been told that I should sleep, eat and interact with something other than the virtual world. (I’m still not sold on the latter). I couldn’t sleep at 4:30 am in the morning times this morning time, which is most definitely when my mind is functioning at it’s maximum capacity, when I had the most brilliant of ideas! Why not start playing a new game on my iPad to help me get to sleep??. Not only did I play it for two hours without realizing it, but I was most definitely not winning almost all of the time.

4: I’m pretty sure I don’t like monkeys anymore which is so devastating that I might go to the bus stop to taunt the children. That might make me feel better.

7: In case you haven’t played Temple Run Oz, basically you’re in the land of Oz (Wizard of Oz in case you’re like me and didn’t catch on. Although I have an excuse because, like I said, it was 4:30 am in the morning times) and you’re running, jumping and sliding away from the flying monkeys while gathering coins. If you run into any of the obstacles the monkeys will catch you. I haven’t actually figured out what happens when you get to the end because I suck at this game.

7.5 (Which could also be interpreted as 8, but it’s not because I already counted to 7 and I don’t want to recount): It’s not my fault that I suck at Temple Run!!! I have a regular sized iPad and it’s really heavy and my hands get tired really quickly and I get double vision if I don’t sleep enough which I can’t help because I have insomnia and the monkeys cheat and the world is completely against me and it’s unfair and it’s a stupid game anyway so if it were my fault that I’m terrible (which it obviously is not) it doesn’t matter because you shouldn’t play the game because it’s dumb.

I really don’t like losing…

I think I’ll go see my ninja assassin friends so I can feel better about my life…

Image: © Biting Mom Damomz | Dreamstime Stock Photos

I am not old!

When I was a kid I remember thinking that my parents were incredibly old and my grandparents were ancient. I wasn’t even sure what to do when I met my great-grandparents. I’m pretty sure the question “how can someone this old still be alive?” was floating around in my mind during that interaction. I am now 28. My parents are still incredibly old, and my grandparents will always be ancient (love you grandma!). I will be (because it will happen one day) completely torn between crapping my pants and passing out when I see my great-grandparents since they will either be angels or zombies, and no, I have no idea which one will be cooler. And yes, I am now trying to figure that out as I’m typing. That being said, I AM NOT OLD! 28 is not old!!!

Freakn’ young people…

Last week I decided that I wanted to see what young people read. Not the young adult novels but like 7-10 year-olds. I’m obsessed with mythology (don’t know why that’s important, but there’s a surprise nugget of Britti-ness fact for you) so I found a few that seemed interesting and started reading. It’s 5 am, I can’t sleep, my M*A*S*H* session is being interrupted because Netflix is doing weird things, so I pick up my iPad and start reading The Colossus Rises. It’s not a bad book to be completely honest. I get to the part where this kid is talking about how she likes old movies, and I’m thinking that I can totally relate. I watched Monkey Business last night and I just updated my Netflix queue a couple of hours ago to include a bunch of classics like Some Like it Hot and Rio Bravo. Heck, I would be watching M*A*S*H* if I had any input on my life. I’m thinking we could be best friends. Then she says “like The Truman Show.” And in those four little words I go from mailing her the friendship bracelet that I just braided in .03 seconds to wanting to throat punch a 12 year-old girl. Are you serious right now? The Truman Show… That’s what we’re basing “old” on? That’s just hitting below the belt honey. You don’t know what kind of amazing relationship you just threw away like yesterday’s garbage because of your ignorance. And yes! I did just toss my hair when I said that. (I will be giving hair tossing lessons next Wednesday for $30/person. I will throw in hair twirling for free. Because YES! It is an art!)

At what point in time did I become old? Seriously though. I want a for realzies (see! I can be cool) answer. I don’t remember a tap on the shoulder or a whisper in the ear giving me a heads-up. Which is incredibly rude if you ask me. Even now that I’m looking back on everything that I grew up with, I’m still thinking that, “yah, all of that could be considered old-ish if I were talking to someone really young, but it’s not my fault that they’re not cool like me.” 28 is not old! Are you pickn’ up what I’m puttn’ down?

P.S. I have decided that when I meet my great-grandparents I want them to be angels, but angels that grant wishes like a genie. Well, I really just want wishes so they can come back as zombie/genies if they want as long as they don’t kill me so I can make my wishes. Now I have to figure out what wishes I would wish for. I’m sticking to the Disney’s Aladdin rules. There are so many things to think about. Writing a blog is really hard…

My head hurts…

I need Asprin…

I have something to say

So, here’s the thing. I am not a writer. I am not eloquent. I am horrible at spelling and even worse at grammar. I don’t have a niche. I am not an expert on anything. I’m not even sure how often I will write. It could be once and I’ll be done, or it could be every night for the rest of my life.

I keep warring with myself as to whether I should blog or not. Even though I don’t feel like I have anything profound or unique to say, I know that I have something to say and that’s enough for me right now. If you research “starting a blog” everything you read will tell you that I’m going about this in completely the wrong way. I’m supposed to have it all figured out. There’s supposed to be a theme. An overarching subject that all of my posts will be about. I don’t have any of that.

I want to blog because I’m really weird and I like passing my weirdness onto other people like it’s contagious. (You’re welcome!) I want a place to share my limericks and talk about why pirates and eye patches are absolutely fantastic and rant about any other subject that might come to mind. I want to blog because I find life incredibly funny and beautifully chaotic, and I want to share those stupid little moments that make life worth living with you and maybe make you laugh along the way. And most importantly, I need something to do at 3 am when I can’t sleep and am bored out of my mind.

So here’s my challenge to you: find the small, funny moments in each day that have made getting out of bed worth it and tell me about them. You can leave a comment on here or send me a message to me on Facebook (Brittany Barrett Blanche).